Dear 19 year old Ruth,

Standard

First, I want to say sorry. I still have no happiness. But I’m hoping. I am hoping that there will be a day that I would find happiness. Hope is what I have that you don’t have. So yukatta.

I’ve stopped being you and start being me today.

I am sorry that I did not wear a dress today. But I wore something girly.

Love lots,

20 year old Ruth

Dear 20-year-old Ruth,

Standard

I wish you happiness. I am expecting that you are mature now and not crying all about what you lost and what you can’t bring back. Happiness is a thing I do not have. Don’t hate destiny like you do now for there is always hope.

It seems ironic that a year younger you is giving you advice. But if by the time you read this and decided to give an ear, you made me happy. You made the 19-year-old Ruth happy although I will be in the past and my happiness is purposely lagged or delayed. My happiness will come from the future and will felt in your past–a year delayed happiness. Be happy for me.

Continue to be charming–I hope I am charming, haha–and to be pretty. But still remember your principles and His good teaching. Follow everything you want for your wanting was given by the One who first loved you. Remember to always thank the Lord. And in everything, do it with love always.

I am expecting that you have thrown those ridiculous shorts (you know what I’m talking about). It makes your thighs look bigger. Go for dresses instead which I in fact expect that you are wearing right now.

Stop squinting. You are more awesome approachable without that.

Please shut up when Mama is lecturing. Please don’t bully your sister. Please be more interested on what Kuya is saying. Please don’t eat sweets and don’t give Dad sweets.

In the end, don’t miss me. I am weak. I cry easily. I am broken. But then, always remember me as a reminder that you are stronger that I am. Congratulations then.

Bring back laughter and happy birthday, Ruth.

Looking forward to meet you,

The 19-year-old Ruth

PS: The 18 year old drafted this. 🙂

What’s happening!?!

Standard

I need a major lift for my spirits. I’ve been depressed for about a year and a half now but I am thankful that I am still breathing right now. I haven’t been fully honest with my feelings in this blog. For the past months, I have been wanting to kill myself. I’m a failure. I know I need a psychiatrist but dang it.

Every time I make a mistake, there is this feeling that somehow grips my heart it actually aches. There is this feeling that I do not want to feel but it is stuck. Somehow, I am losing hope.

What is happy?

Aside

You know. I woke up on a bad dream the day before-when-was-that. Haha. I was crying. My sister was disturbed in her sleep because of me sobbing. She called, “Nang…, Nang…..” till I woke up. I don’t really see what I dreamed but I know someone is nagging.

Aside

Guess what!!!!! I got an 87 in my Phil Gov class!!! I screamed when I heard that I got 87. My gay friend told me, “Hulaan mo.” And first I guessed “81?” Haha. I really thought I would get a low grade. Remember when I was worried that I might fail this class.

And today three years ago, I joined WordPress! Haaaappy! There are things–small things–in this world that can make still make you smile. I forgot that.

 Image

Standard

It’s late. So I’m going to tell this briefly. Deep inside, I’m a hopeless romantic. Gah. I’ll bury my face in my pillows for embarrassment but yeap.

Lots of insecurities. Lots of shortcomings.

Aside

You know. I realized. That laughing is sad when forced. More depressing than the sad feelings that you hide through laughing.

I like him. But there is always a barrier like fate. But I don’t really blame a fantasy thing. I blame myself. And I want to cry. You know, this guy drives me crazy. One time he makes me really, really happy and then makes me so sad.

I miss him. But there is always a barrier. I want to see him. And I waited for him. I blame myself for my temper, my schedule. You know, this guy… .

Standard

Gaaah!! I’M ALIVEEEEE!!!!! *Mushu*

You see this blog needs some new texts. I have been ignoring it for a while. When was the last post? Maybe one or two months. Actually, I don’t really have something to tell or reflect worthy enough to post on this blog. What?

I read a lot of books lately. Gosh. It seems like I’m bookish or nerd or something. But actually I am street-smart. Haha. Nagbubuhat ng sariling bangko. I know all the things and the prices of bond papers, where can we buy such things. blah. I also have many friends. Partly because I have been transferring since forever. A balance of sweet and spices, ba.

So… Okay. Hello, blog.